Remember in the beginning I said not all of these posts would be easy. This is one and there is a lot of shame and guilt attached to it. It’s about finances.
This weekend I talked to my mom, and my best friend, and my ex-husband (all people who know me well and know that finances are a struggle for me) and they all said I can get on top of this. That I’ve done so much healing emotionally so maybe it’s time to get this in order. My mom said “write about it, it always makes you feel better.” She is onto something because writing is very healing for me. It gives me perspective, it allows my brain to slow down and plan instead of just reacting. It gives me time to process what I want to say.
My best friend said, “I think this might be linked to your bipolar disorder.” I found this a weird comment because how could it be?
Turns out it might.
Naturally, I did some research last night. I read earlier from another blogger (I wish I saved the link) that finances were a struggle for her too that it was a symptom of Bipolar Disorder. This shocked me because I never considered the two related but it is. There is a ton of research and anecdotal evidence to suggest it is.
I particularly liked this quote which talks about feeling confident and feeling invincible with money:
“Then you “wake up” after the mania and find yourself with half the savings you had before – feeling embarrassed and worried about your future. This might have a negative impact on your self-esteem, family functioning and confidence in moving forward. It might even trigger an episode of depression.”
This quote was extremely eye-opening as well. “Typically, impulsive or self-destructive behaviour around money and sex are two of the most classic symptoms of mania.” Actually when I read it, my heart raced because both statements were true. I had participated in both types of self-destructive behaviours. Yes, that’s right – both.
I found these images from a report by Dr. Thomas Richardson called, “Bipolar Disorder and Financial Difficulties.” I connected to the visual and it made sense to me. The impulsiveness, the desire for comfort, excessive generosity, plans to make more money, worry about finances, avoiding finances, poor planning, regret and guilt. Every.Single.One, every single one of these fits my profile!
So the research fits, but here’s my own personal evidence and story.
A few months ago I had a major melt down because it had been rumoured that I couldn’t pay my bills and I was thinking of selling my house. I was so upset because the truth is while it was a strain, even a struggle I had managed to make it happen, I never skipped a bill or mortgage payment even when I was unpaid for a year and a half. It wasn’t always easy but in the end it always worked out. But, there was some truth to the rumour.
I was surviving but no thriving and there wasn’t any reason for it financially. On paper, my house, my bills worked well within my budget. I would wonder so often why it was always tight, and sometimes needed to use my credit cards or overdraft to make it through. I would joke “thank god for overdraft” while simultaneously feeling sick to my stomach. I would redo my budget only to figure out that the numbers made sense. So what was happening? I concluded that it was simply because I was unpaid from March – August and then only 80% salary from September – December. But I had savings from the sale of my house, it should have more than got me through.
When I look back on my bank records it’s shocking. There were large purchases like 9000.00 for a cosmetic surgery procedure, 700.00 for an apple watch for a friend plus another 500.00 to get one for me. Close to 1000.00 in tattoos over the year, 1400.00 for flights to Florida plus the condo cost, rental car, food and shopping. 1000.00 to have my house painted (which didn’t actually get done but that’s another post). 8000.00 for new appliances for my townhouse because the ones it came with were clearly not good enough. 2000.00 as a car downpayment.
Those are the huge things the day to day is just as bad! Typically a month can look like this;
$83.54 Nail Salon
#3.55 Tim Hortons
$5.00 overdraft fee
$49.49 Pet Valu
$19.75 Home Depot (for decor items)
$38.57 Canadian Tire (plants for my garden)
$16.82 Symposium Cafe
$46.77 Kelly’s Bake Shoppe.
Total: 300.17 in extra, not needed purchases!
This doesn’t account for the Amazon purchases on my credit card either.
Why does this happen? Entitlement I feel like I’ve worked hard and I have a great career so I deserve it. To ease guilt for my children for changing their whole world but also to ease guilt for myself to make life seem less of a downgrade. A self-medicating response to stress. When I have extra money/savings I feel so confident, and blessed so I just carefree spend it. Impulsive spending sprees when my mood is good (or in a manic state). It spirals out of control very quickly and I tell myself, “It’s fine, I’ll make it work”, “I can pay it off next pay”, or “I deserve nice things because I work hard”.
But I don’t want this anymore. It brings happiness for a moment, it eases the guilt/shame for a minute. It cures stress for a second but then it makes me feel sadder, more guilty and a lot more stress.
I want to get this in control because only then will I actually be in a place where I am thriving. I overheard my best friend saying this weekend to someone when they were talking about making large purchases or going on trips “Save for today to spend for tomorrow” I want to adopt that mindset. I want less things, and more moments.
My ex told me through my tears, that I need to release myself of my guilt. That the kids are fine and the love me and they love the life we have created for them even if it’s in separate homes now. He told me they just want to be with me they don’t actually care about gifts, trips, movies, amusement parks. He said those things won’t be what they remember. He also said the flip side is sometimes we just have to go for it – he told me getting the dog (I recently purchased a shepherd/husky cross puppy) while expensive was a good decision because now I always have a companion. I know he worries when I am alone.
“Beating yourself up about financial problems when you have bipolar is like a person with diabetes yelling at their pancreas for not making enough insulin.”
I want to find “Financial Harmony”
Managing finances when dealing with bipolar disorder symptoms can be a major challenge. However, there are many tactics that can help you achieve financial security.
So here is my game plan.
- Credit cards are in a ziplock bag in my freezer.
- Delete any places where they are saved online (amazon, Old Navy, Lululemon)
- Call my EAP to see if they offer financial counselling
- Pay off my credit cards (I can do this in 12 months)
- Go to a cash system for purchases. Leave money in the account for my bills, and put aside 80.00 a month into savings
- Talk about it – share with my support network how it going
- Create a spread sheet with monthly purchases to make sure I am on track with my budget.
- Sell off things I don’t need or use.
I read this great quote on IG today from @tidymoose “Look around. All that clutter used to be money.”
So less stuff, more moments.
Like the rest of my healing journey this won’t be easy and without bumps in the road. But I can do it. Just like I’m doing it! “A smooth Sea Never Made a Skilled Sailor”