Forgiveness is Solo and Reconciliation is Joint

After a hard week and half I’m moving out of it and into a place of understanding. I’ve leaned heavily on my support network which includes my family, my friends, my counsellor and even myself. I’ve been able to confront and unload some of my darkness which in turn has made me feel so much lighter. Like the burden isn’t weighing so heavily.

I’ve been reading a lot about forgiveness and reconciliation. I really didn’t realize there was a difference between the two but I’ve learned that forgiveness is solo and reconciliation is joint.   This is difficult for me to accept because naturally I want people to just be ok, to love me despite my flaws and the difficulties I have put them through. I struggle with the idea that my actions hurt people but at the same time I was dealing with an illness that I didn’t understand. But the truth is even though many of my past mistakes were consequences of Bipolar Disorder undiagnosed, untreated, they still had an impact on people I cared for.

I just want to love and be loved. Not cause harm, make people feel uncomfortable, be sad or upset with me.

I remember once, when I was in University I was in a chat forum – if you are 40 ish you’ll remember those. Anyway I was chatting with a male and just as the conversation ended I told him my name was my friends name and gave him her phone number. It was an impulsive reaction to his request and even now this friend is still a very dear friend, and I know she has long forgiven me I haven’t forgiven myself so the issue isn’t actually reconciled.

At a keg party once again in University I arrived late. A male friend made a comment that I could only have a beer if I kissed him. In an impulsive reaction I did. In a room full of friends and acquaintances and here’s the thing I was in a long term “committed” relationship and I acted this way without any second thought to consequences. My partner, now my ex-partner doesn’t know about this action, or similar actions that occurred after so I have no idea if he forgives me, but I certainly do not forgive myself.

I’d like to think he would – because despite the break down of our marriage being quite traumatic and not 100% honest I think he shows me empathy and understanding. Recently I reached out to him and offered him an apology for and event that happened – it was a dramatic life altering evening –  August 24, 2016. He was really made out to be the scapegoat and in fact he deserves a bit more compassion than he was afforded.    (And yes we did get married and I often wonder if the outcome would have been different had he have realized the above events). Here’s the thing, this event isn’t reconciled because  while he might forgive me, I don’t forgive myself.

This is where I am now. Self-forgiveness.  I need to let go. Whether my actions were symptoms of Bipolar Disorder or just really shitty decisions I need to forgive myself. It is very easy for me to forgive others but I’ve never really given myself the same privilege. I need to release my darkness so I can truly heal.

Today is better. The sun feels vibrant. I slept really well. I did a lot of hard work with my counsellor  and she acknowledged that forgiving yourself and forgiving others when you can’t actually get closure is really hard. But I know I’m ready for this step in my journey.

Angry

I’ve had a dip and I feel a little bit like I’m losing ground. Mostly this dip is making me feel all sorts of angry.

I’m not a negative person. But negative thinking and self-talk are a by product of Bipolar Disorder and I’m learning to counteract them but keeping a wellness journal and reminding myself that in spite of everything I’m still a good person. But sometimes even when I have best intentions and even when I try all of my strategies I still feel angry.

Here’s why:

I’m angry at myself for going my entire life and not recognizing that what I just assumed was who I am was actually symptoms of bipolar disorder.

I’m angry at friends who have turned their backs on me. Sure what I’ve gone through, the choices I’ve made, the reactions I’ve displayed, the secrets I’ve kept are uncomfortable. They may challenge your values, you might even judge them. But here’s the thing why would you walk away from someone during their darkest hours? For the record judgement is just fear. So you’re not better than me but something about me elicits a fear response in yourself.

I’m angry because I can’t shake feeling angry, and being emotional even though I’ve been in a really good place since my hospital stay.

I’m angry because my medication increase happened on Friday and I’m not feeling calmer just tired and angry.

I’m angry because I cried on the phone when a friend called me and asked how I was doing and for one of the first times I wasn’t able to just put on a brave face and say “pretty good.”

I’m angry because in a heightened emotional moment this afternoon my travel coffee mug broke on the driveway… confession, I threw it on the ground because the actual mug when I picked it up triggered such strong physical response that I felt like I was going to be sick so I acted without thinking.

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I’m angry because I’m struggling with past choices. I want to just forgive myself, make peace with my past and move forward but I can’t.

I used my journal today to remind myself to breathe. To show myself compassion and self love and pray that tomorrow is a new day and I feel less angry.

 

 

 

Distance Between Friends

 

Self blame.  That’s a game that I am really good at. When things go wrong I take all the blame. I over analyze what went wrong, what I could have done to change things and what I am going to do to fix it. Often it comes in the form of a long written out justification/apology, baked goods, gifts,  flowers, coffee, sometimes even more elaborate and expensive gifts.

Why do I do that? Obviously a relationship is a tide. An ebb and flow. Sometimes one person needs a little more and the other person can offer that and sometimes it’s the reverse. It works the same in tough times. Sometimes one side demands a little more and the other side has more to give. Without keeping score, it always seems to balance out. I guess this is the key to a healthy relationship.

Sometimes though, the relationship isn’t healthy. One side demands a little too much and it cause the other side to break. Sometimes one side is really doing all the giving and the other side taking. Sometimes one side doesn’t make sense or is downright shocking.

Sometimes one side walks away when the other just really needed them to be there. To put aside their values, judgements and lack of understanding. They just needed them. It’s important to put yourself in their shoes. To reflect on their backpack so to speak of life experience. Where they have come from, their value systems, their insecurities and the internal and personal difficulties they are experiencing.  You never really know what is going on with a person.

It happens.

Distance between friends. It’s a thing. But I’m learning that it doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. Absence can make the heart grow fonder, we’ve heard that before. Or time heals all wounds that makes sense too.  But what if moving on, appreciating the past moments but recognizing that the future moments will never be the same or not even happen is ok too?  My sister recently told me friendship happens for “a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” I really loved this and it’s made me come to peace and feel settled with the idea of the distance between.

So rather than feeling sadness, anger and regret I feel light.  I am able to send people, even ones that I feel caused harm, warmth and light and then move about my day.

And I like that.

xo

 

 

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