I Bought a Computer…

I bought a computer because mine wasn’t working and I needed it the next day for learning at home. I’m a teacher who is also trying to teach her own kids while balancing her emotions and mental wellness during a really unstable time.

I needed a working computer.

I instantly regretted it but instead of pressing the cancel button I shut the lid to my laptop and walked away.

I bought a computer…

IMG_0931Because I’ve started wearing a FitBit again and I only had 8345 steps before bed so I paced around my bedroom until I reached just over my goal of 10,000

Because I’m weighing myself again when I haven’t in 2 years. I’m also staring at myself in my full length mirror hating what I see. Even though I know the people that love me don’t care so why do I?

I also cleared out the too small clothing finally and cried the entire afternoon because that small size is unrealistic to maintain and achieve again.

I cannot change my snow tires as I see people doing in their driveways as I take my long neighbourhood walks and greatly miss the hiking trails and beach. My eyes are sick of the same old houses. same old driveways and crisscrossing the streets every time I see people in the nearish distance.

I’m not sleeping well and when I do sleep it’s riddled with curious thoughts and terrifying nightmares which eventually wake me up and then leave me awake scared of random noises houses make during wee hours of the morning. I hate being alone sometimes still.

I have to go to Costco soon to pick up my prescription and I’m afraid to go there.  I’m annoyed that I’ll have to stand in line to go and pick up one thing but then I feel guilty because the store is asking us to do what’s responsible and right.

I went to the grocery store last week and their was a verbal fight among two other customers that resulted in one man being told to leave the store which in a spectacular demonstration of rage,  he threw his hand cart across the way smashing cans of glass. I cried, which made my lovely cashier cry. She subsequently thanked me and told me I made her day because clearly I was a sweet and sensitive soul.

I’m alone every other week when the children go to their dad’s and while I understand co-parenting and sharing is so important this mama bear wants to keep her littles with her the whole time.

The loneliness is daunting.

I bought a computer because perhaps I’m a little bit manic, and maybe not doing as well as I care to admit. But also I acknowledge that life is really hard right now so  I’m doing amazing given all the challenges.

I am returning the computer.

My wonderful partner gave me the number to applecare and 2 hours later my laptop was working again.  I felt foolish for the impulsive decision  but relieved that I’m not actually going to open that box and at some point I’ll be able to return the computer.

And tomorrow I’m going to call the dealership and figure out what I can do about those snow tires.




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