8 years ago I went into labour. I had my friends over for dinner after a day of shopping for a new car and at the mall. Contractions had been happening all day. I was in denial because 1 was a week early, had just finished work the day before, and wasn’t ready to become a mom of 2 quite yet. But like children so often do, William decided storming into the world on his own time was the way things were to happen. He continues life in this fashion too which I love.
This post isn’t meant to be a labour story. It’s not even a recap of the severe postpartum depression I would fall into – though I will blog about that soon. What I want to talk about is co-parenting and how sometimes it’s really hard.
William and I are close. We have a really strong connection. I can usually count on him not to stray too far because he just likes to be in close proximity. When he was 3 I can remember being far too touched out and asking him for space. His little face looked up lovingly and say “but can my arm touch your arm?” It doesn’t help that he is my miniature version of myself. When I look at his face I see my own smile and eyes looking back at me.
Tonight William is with his dad. And I’m sad. I’m sad that I won’t wake up to his little face or be able to give him morning birthday hugs. How cruel it seems for a mother to endure the tremendous work it takes to deliver a baby and 8 years later to not have that baby in her arms. But this is the reality of our family. Sometimes the children are with me and sometimes with their dad. Being separated means sometimes missing out and while it’s reality it sucks!
So I have given myself permission to feel the things I’m feeling. The nostalgia of becoming a mom of 2. The joy of watching my little bug grow up. The sadness of not having him here. The anticipation of his excitement over a balloon bouquet and chocolate cupcakes. The thrill of the biggest hug after school. The anger that it’s not fair that no matter what there’s things I will always miss out on for my kids. The peace that I’m still raising beautiful children.
William is an amazing kid. As is his sister Keelyn. Despite the sadness that I have in my heart tonight I know that he will have an amazing 8th birthday and when he does get to see me it will just add to the greatness that is his special day!