Last night I was digging down deep into my Instagram feed. Way back to 2016. In 2016 I was about 30lbs lighter than I am now. I say about because I haven’t weighed myself in over a year. It was something I had to let go.
After I was done looking at the photos I said, “Well at least I got to experience what being thin was like.”
What being thin was like.
Obviously my body positivity and self love campaign is something I fake every day. Like so many women I know in real life and behind our phone screens this struggle is real. But we have to keep on faking it. To challenge the idea that beauty and worthiness is linked to a certain size. That our size dictates what we are allowed to wear. We have to challenge the idea so we nourish our bodies with food without guilt or fear. So we enjoy chips and beer and family dinners with our loved ones. We have to fake it so our daughters aren’t trapped into such an unhealthy mindset. We have to fake it so we truly start to love and value ourselves.
So what was being thin like?
People held the door open for me more often. Let me ahead in line ups smiled and complimented me more.
It was constant compliments about how great I looked but it was also was constant comments of concern about when was I going to stop – my answer was ALWAYS in 20 more pounds.
I could run faster because I had less weight to move.
I ate 700 calories or less a day only because I was afraid that I would gain it back.
I trained for a half marathon and several nights a week did a popular home/streaming 90 minute workout – on 700 calories a day.
It was being told by different men that I was skinny fat, that I needed to tone and do more situps if I truly wanted to be attractive.
It was looking in the mirror and seeing flaws, worried that I didn’t look good or thin enough it was constantly comparing myself to other women – did I look as thin as they did, was I still too large?
It was removing myself from social times at work because I was so afraid that I’d not have the willpower to not eat the bagel or danish.
Ultimately it was control. As my mental health was spiraling out of control (I didn’t know), my relationship crumbling. As I was digging myself deeper and deeper into an affair I felt a huge loss of control. Losing weight, restricting what I was eating and working out in extremes – that gave me a sense of power and control back.
Fast forward to 3 years later, I still struggle. But I’m in a better place that most of the time I can recognize the unhealthy thought patterns and get myself unstuck. My medical care providers have told me I struggle with disordered eating. All of the work I’m doing on my mental health helps me keep it in check.
I am training for a marathon now. I won’t lie part of is is about overcoming a huge personal goal but there’s a part of me that hopes it’ll bring upon some weight loss.
That longs to be thin again.