Going it Alone

 

I’ve mentioned this before. I hate being alone. But I want to correct this. I hated being alone. While I still don’t enjoy the seemingly endless alone time and periods of internal dialogue I can appreciate the necessity that this period of being alone has provided.

I needed to find myself. Myself without the distractions of being in a relationship. Giving pieces of myself to a partner which inevitably ended up as me giving up my identity to be some version of a person the particular person wanted.

If you had asked me “who is Shivonne” the answer would have been shaped based on who was asking, who I was with and the outcome of what they wanted. For example, to gain interest from a particular person who said to me “I bet you have so many good stories,” I crafted an elaborate story of a past filled with exciting romantic adventures. All which was based on some fact but definitely a major departure from reality.

I don’t consider myself a liar I’m actually honest to a fault at times. In a way I did lie about who I am and things I’ve done but it’s hard to explain. It’s a combination of a very visual imagination, a strong storyteller, but also not having a clear sense of self. It’s been easy to just be who others needed me to be.

I have done a lot of work with a counsellor I trust and she is DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy)  based. One of the things I’m really getting a solid understanding of is the idea of multiple truths.  That thinking, living, people and situations do not have to be black and white. That the distance between a black/white, good/bad (or insert whichever judgement) is a lot more narrow. With this idea of multiple truths and time alone I’m actually getting a clearer picture of who I am.

 

I think part of the reason why I’ve easily adapted to what others want me to become or why I have been unsure of who I am is because I am so many things. I have a larger than life personality at times and a passion for living. But I’m also quiet, shy and sensitive.

I am fiercely practical when it comes to organizing, work, managing my home and taking care of day to day business.  Yet at the same time it can be a huge struggle and I have to rely on lists and constant reminders to get things done. Sometimes I’m hard on myself when I drop the ball or forget a task but I’m learning to let it go.

I can be an amazing care provider as a mom, teacher, sister, daughter, friend yet still wildly sensual.

Tattoo’s don’t make me scary. I don’t have the wrong body size/shape (yes I have had a man tell me this) for them. I find them beautiful and edgy and mine are a tribute to people and moments. And no I have no plans of stopping or slowing them down.

I’m a cautious risk taker. I love the thrill of doing something exciting, or controversial but I also need to decide for myself if the benefit outweighs the cost. I use to really care if my decision made others disappointed but I care a lot less about that when I know I’m making decisions based on what is really best for me.

I love to get dirty. Gardening with my bare hands, paint on my clothes, face. Muddy rubber boots from an afternoon on the trail or jumping in puddles. But I also love getting a manicure, my hair done or totally glitterized up for a party or a night out.

I love the whole spectrum of music. My playlists included meditation music, jazz, classical, country, pop, 90’s hip hop, metal, alternative, rock, blue glass all.of.it.  Music plays such a key role in my life as a child and certainly as an adult.

I eat healthy I’m careful in my food choices and love the way delicious good food tastes and makes me feel. Being single and learning how to cook but like I mean really cook is one of the major wins I’ve discovered about myself. But I’m also a major candy addict.  Rockets are my personal favourite.

I love being around people. I love the energy I get from others.  Laughing and making people laugh is the best feeling. But I also require quite a lot of time to me to recharge and reflect. I am a classic ambivert (extroverted introvert) 

I know the things that I should do, the best decisions that will yield the best results but often I like to just throw my chips out there and see where they lie. I want safety and security but I also want to keep things interesting, spontaneous.  When I am a very old woman I want to look back on my life and be confident that I didn’t play it safe that I lived with my whole heart.

So going it alone hasn’t always been easy. There has been a lot of tears, a lot of gut wrenching loneliness. But it’s also been an amazing time to really gain a good sense of who I am and what I want for the rest of my life.

I think the most interesting thing I’ve learned about myself is that I do not, do not have to change who I am in order for someone to love me!