Angry

I’ve had a dip and I feel a little bit like I’m losing ground. Mostly this dip is making me feel all sorts of angry.

I’m not a negative person. But negative thinking and self-talk are a by product of Bipolar Disorder and I’m learning to counteract them but keeping a wellness journal and reminding myself that in spite of everything I’m still a good person. But sometimes even when I have best intentions and even when I try all of my strategies I still feel angry.

Here’s why:

I’m angry at myself for going my entire life and not recognizing that what I just assumed was who I am was actually symptoms of bipolar disorder.

I’m angry at friends who have turned their backs on me. Sure what I’ve gone through, the choices I’ve made, the reactions I’ve displayed, the secrets I’ve kept are uncomfortable. They may challenge your values, you might even judge them. But here’s the thing why would you walk away from someone during their darkest hours? For the record judgement is just fear. So you’re not better than me but something about me elicits a fear response in yourself.

I’m angry because I can’t shake feeling angry, and being emotional even though I’ve been in a really good place since my hospital stay.

I’m angry because my medication increase happened on Friday and I’m not feeling calmer just tired and angry.

I’m angry because I cried on the phone when a friend called me and asked how I was doing and for one of the first times I wasn’t able to just put on a brave face and say “pretty good.”

I’m angry because in a heightened emotional moment this afternoon my travel coffee mug broke on the driveway… confession, I threw it on the ground because the actual mug when I picked it up triggered such strong physical response that I felt like I was going to be sick so I acted without thinking.

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I’m angry because I’m struggling with past choices. I want to just forgive myself, make peace with my past and move forward but I can’t.

I used my journal today to remind myself to breathe. To show myself compassion and self love and pray that tomorrow is a new day and I feel less angry.

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Angry

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  1. Early in the days of my yoga training I was asked by my teacher why i was following my yoga pathway. I told her I wanted to not be angry anymore. I’m not talking about angry because i’m having a bad day but intense outbreaks of uncontrollable angry – where I would completely loose control of me, completely loose control of my actions and words. I would say things that would hurt people, do things that would hurt people but then later feel so guilty because i literally had no idea who that person was and felt so guilty for all the hurtful and mean things I had said and done. It were these emotions I wanted to get rid of – that wasn’t me but for some reason I had no control over myself when this anger took over. Her response is one I will never forget – “melissa, yoga will not make the angry emotions go away but what yoga will do will teach you to recognise the emotional triggers, feel the change in your body and breath and will teach you how to acknowledge the anger before it takes over” And this is exactly what it has done. I am definitely not saying yoga is your outlet or we experience the same emotions but that I am proud of you for recognising your angry and not just walking away from it. I know those guilty feelings of ‘why did i let myself get so angry’ but believe me recognising them will eventually allow you to recognise them before you loose control of your actions/thoughts/emotions. I’m on a life long journey with my anger control but everyday I am in control just that little bit more. Yes, I still have moments where I just can’t hold myself together but the frequency is less and less. Accept your actions, take a breath and think – next time will be just a little bit better. There is nothing we can do to change our past actions but what we can do is recognise and self analysis and then release and move forward. Love you xx

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