May the Fourth, Star Wars day. Always a fun day in my home for William and I since we are fans. Admittedly I love it even more because how much William does.
Facebook memories showed me the photo on the top left this morning from 2 years ago. The bottom right picture is from today. Not that long ago I would have looked at the old photo and looked at myself now and be upset that I was much thinner then. I would have tried the shirt on today and immediately remove it in disgust. It would have ruined my day. I would have been emotional, short with family and friends. I probably wouldn’t have eaten very much and worked out a ton. I probably would have researched diet options and developed an intense calorie restricted plan. But today I didn’t. Today I proudly wore my same shirt, took a silly photo to represent the joy I am starting to feel.
I did compare the two photos. Blonde hair, bold glasses, and smile. The girl in the top photo. She wasn’t actually happy. Things internally, emotionally and in her world were escalating and spiraling out of control. Control. Control made her feel like life made sense. As she was starting to feel out of control she learned to find it by striving for perfection. She had lost a significant amount of weight but kept losing because she felt that it would make her happy, desirable. It would make people want to be around her and love her . As mentioned before her greatest fear is the fear of being alone.
The girl in the bottom photo is about 15 lbs heavier but she doesn’t care. Or at least she tries not to care. She’s learning that people don’t love her because of her hair colour, or size or what she puts on even though she had been made to feel that was important. She sees that people don’t love her because she’s perfect, but rather because she’s not. They love love love her because she’s quirky. She’s mischievous and full of spark. They love her because she’s fiercely loyal and values their presence in her life.
Today’s theme was really about reflection. Reflection is so important. It’s not the same thing as dwelling on the past. Rather it’s taking inventory on where you were and where you are in this moment and where you want to go. I have to say I like where things are going.