My Underlying Story

 

Yesterday a friend posted this on Facebook and shared her underlying story. I was fascinated by the concept and proud of her for being vulnerable and sharing her underlying story. I asked her if I could use this for a blog post and share my underlying story.

Besides having Bipolar Disorder, I do have an underlying story. Mine is one where I feel like I am never quite good enough and if I let my guard down and let you in to see the true me then you might not like who that is and then I am alone.

Fear of people not accepting me and therefore being alone, that’s my underlying story.

I’m an oversharer, and I am passionate about life but I often keep my opinions to myself and keep things a secret.

These aren’t things like my favourite types of music, food, political allegiances, feelings about sexuality, gender equality, spirituality and so on.  But darker things.  Once, I opened up to someone. For someone reason I felt a security, a rapport an affinity to this individual and for whatever reason I was able to reveal things. I even shared a dark heated moment when my spouse had hurt me and left a very large, visible mark on my shin. I needed the perspective from someone else, an outsiders point of view and I can’t tell you how much courage and strength it took me to share that.  I also shared with this person when I was having passive suicidal thoughts. I felt safety with this person but as it turns out it was a false sense of safety. But here’s the thing, everything that has happened, happened to bring us to the moment we are in now, “there are no wrong decisions. When you’ve done millions of pro/con lists, and you’ve flipped coins hoping you’ll know which one is the one you want before the coin hits the ground, but you’ve come up empty handed, you might need to know there is no such thing as a wrong decision.”

So when do I feel like my true self?  When I am running. When I am creating something beautiful. When I paint my nails, or choose what I think is the perfect outfit. When I take time to really see my surroundings.  When I am on a beach. When I watch my kids run and laugh and enjoy each other.  When I don’t care if someone thinks my sweater with the flowers on it is ugly, or that my hair looks better long.  When I get another tattoo because I think they are beautiful and a great way to express things that are meaningful even if everyone around me thinks I already have too many. When a book ending leaves me in tears, or when I hug a friend so tight I feel like my heart might actually explode. When I put words on a paper and they string together with eloquence and beauty. When I let my heart lead the way instead of worrying that emotions mean I don’t have good business sense.

But mostly as I am learning – I feel like my true self when I am who I am. When I’m not worried what others think or when others choose to see a version of my that they have created and edited in their own mind.

So fear of being not accepted and fear of being alone is my underlying story but “Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten.” – Natasha Beddingfield

 

 

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