An Introduction

Recently, a dear friend  of mine, Jam Gamble – aka Slayer of the Mic, sent me a reminder via IG saying “WHY ON EARTH ARE WE STRUGGLING TO INTRODUCE OURSELVES?”

Oh does she know me well!

I can talk, a lot. But when it comes to introducing me I pause and I feel awkward and I struggle to find what I want to say. I usually end up giving a very surface, stock answer.  Usually how I’m a mom, and a teacher…  things I’m very proud of but not exactly what I want to say.  It’s part of it but I always stop short.

But I’m changing this and this is the intro I will  proudly use going forward.  So here I go.

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“My name is Shivonne Lewis and I am a tattooed teacher, bipolar single mama of 2. I’m not sure some days how I’ll do it but I’m always figuring it out with grace and confidence.

I am a mental health advocate.  Because it’s 2019 and not “getting it” or having a frame of reference for it or believing in it are not excuses. It’s time to fucking figure it out. Check your bias and figure it out.

I’m a mental health advocate because I have Bipolar Disorder Type I not because I am Bipolar. My disorder doesn’t define who I am. It’s caused me to act outside of my moral values, do to some things that may seem harmful and shameful. It became larger than what I could handle but it isn’t me.

I’m a mental health advocate because the supports and systems in place are shockingly bad. Like so bad.

I’m a mental health advocate because I want women, young women to see that you can have a disorder and manage it with support and have a great life. You can have a career, a house, kids if you want to. It doesn’t get to take away your life goals and dreams!

Oh yeah, I’m not blonde anymore 😉

“Well at Least I got to Experience What Being Thin was Like”

Last night I was digging down deep into my Instagram feed. Way back to 2016. In 2016 I was about 30lbs lighter than I am now. I say about because I haven’t weighed myself in over a year. It was something I had to let go.

After I was done looking at the photos I said, “Well at least I got to experience what being thin was like.”

What being thin was like.

Obviously my body positivity and self love campaign is something I fake every day. Like so many women I know in real life and behind our phone screens this struggle is real. But we have to keep on faking it. To challenge the idea that beauty and worthiness is linked to a certain size. That our size dictates what we are allowed to wear. We have to challenge the idea so we nourish our bodies with food without guilt or fear. So we enjoy chips and beer and family dinners with our loved ones. We have to fake it so our daughters aren’t trapped into such an unhealthy mindset. We have to fake it so we truly start to love and value ourselves.

So what was being thin like?

People held the door open for me more often. Let me ahead in line ups smiled and complimented me more.

It was constant compliments about how great I looked but it was also was constant comments of concern about when was I going to stop – my answer was ALWAYS in 20 more pounds.

I could run faster because I had less weight to move.

I ate 700 calories or less a day only because I was afraid that I would gain it back.

I trained for a half marathon and several nights a week did a popular home/streaming 90 minute workout – on 700 calories a day.

It was being told by different men that I was skinny fat, that I needed to tone and do more situps if I truly wanted to be attractive.

It was looking in the mirror and seeing flaws, worried that I didn’t look good or thin enough it was constantly comparing myself to other women – did I look as thin as they did, was I still too large?

It was removing myself from social times at work because I was so afraid that I’d not have the willpower to not eat the bagel or danish.

Ultimately it was control. As my mental health was spiraling out of control (I didn’t know), my relationship crumbling. As I was digging myself deeper and deeper into an affair I felt a huge loss of control. Losing weight, restricting what I was eating and working out in extremes – that gave me a sense of power and control back.

Fast forward to 3 years later, I still struggle. But I’m in a better place that most of the time I can recognize the unhealthy thought patterns and get myself unstuck.  My medical care providers have told me I struggle with disordered eating. All of the work I’m doing on my mental health helps me keep it in check.

I am training for a marathon now. I won’t lie part of is is about overcoming a huge personal goal but there’s a part of me that hopes it’ll bring upon some weight loss.

That longs to be thin again.

 

I wanted to share some of the simple, low or no cost activities that I do that help me feel grounded and balanced.  Many of these things have become part of my regular routine, so I save for tricky, stuck moments and some are interchangable.

Feeling or getting stuck, spinning and spinning isn’t a very good feeling. I suspect all of us, whether you struggle with mental health or not, have felt this before.

I use to ruminate on the feeling. Replay situations or outcomes I wanted to force over and over. I would “vent” to friends but  not in a healthy way, I was actually trying to unload my stuck feelings onto them – to release it and pass it on, or have them solve it for me. This put a strain on relationships.  Many of those friends love me and have supported me as I’ve worked through challenges but it feels good to be growing healthier relationships with them.

So here’s my list of things I do to avoid getting stuck, or help me get unstuck.

Skin care routine – regardless of age and gender if you haven’t adopted a skin care routine I highly recommend it. You don’t have to spend a lot of money on a premium product either.  A cleanser, a toner, and a moisturizer.  I practice my skin care routine in the morning and again when I go to bed.  Sometimes if I’m stuck or upset I just go and wash my face and moisturize.  The practice of the cool water splashing my face, the circular motion of my fingertips on my face, the soft scent of the moisturizer is often enough to ground me.  Let’s not forget the added benefit of nicer skin.

Chewing strong mint gum or candy – This one I use in the moment. The strong mint and the chewing I feel in my jaw is just the right amount of sensory stimulation to calm my sense so I can focus on what I need to.

Meditation I know, I know you’re going to tell me that you can’t meditate. That you’ve tried it before and it doesn’t work. That your mind wanders, that you giggle, that your body hurts and you feel uncomfortable. Guess what I felt that way too, everyone feels that way when they start meditating. In fact, isn’t that how we feel when we start ANY new activity. I’ve been meditating consistently for over a year now and it’s brought a calm and balance to my life that I’ve never thought possible.  I started with the Calm app and used the guided meditation but now I find guided distracting. I use music, sometimes a triangle and focus my breathing on the ringing sounds. I have a meditation corner in my room, I meditate on my couch, in my classroom, in my car .  I meditate with my students and if I can get pre-adolescent kids to buy into meditation I’m pretty sure you can do it.

Run/Walk/Bike/Lift – do something that puts strain on your body, lungs and heart. I run (okay I’m just getting back to it after coming off a long break which was caused by a mental block holding me back) but I run. The feeling of my feet hitting the ground, the sweat dripping down, the sounds of nature, traffic, people.  Knowing that I’m mentally challenging myself keeps me grounded. I can’t always just go for a run when I’m feeling stuck so that’s why keeping a consistent running schedule is key for me.  I urge you to find your version of running.

Hot or Cold Shower – this one works wonders to snap me back out of place where I am ruminating about something. It’s so sensory in many ways and I stay in and breathe deeply until I feel that sense of calm. If I can’t shower I wash my face.  If I can’t wash my face I wash my hands or stick them in cold water.

Loud Happy Music – I put on my favourite music. Not music that reflects how I am feeling but rather how I want to feel. Recently my friend played me Yoga Beats and it was just so uplifting so next time when I’m feeling off I’m definitely going to use that to help ground me.

Mascara and Lip Gloss – What is something you love to put on that makes you feel like a super star?  Is it a certain tie, a silk scarf?  Maybe a favourite scent, special socks? Your best pair of jeans?  For me it’s mascara and lip gloss.  I can be having the worst day but those two things make me feel like “damn girl you got this.”

Essential Oil – When I am feeling off I apply a few drops of peppermint oil to the inside of my wrists and behind my ears. It’s instantly soothing. I take a few deep, slow breaths and the scent carries me through a few hours.  When I’m at home I diffuse essentials oils. Often peppermint or lavender but sometimes I’m fancy and I use pinterest to find combinations to reflect the mood I want to bring about.

I’m sure there’s more subtle things I do regularly that I’m not mentioning but the point is you can bring yourself back to a grounded reality in a very low or no cost way. It’s being deliberate and intentional and practicing them when you are balanced so they become automatic when you aren’t.

Share, what works for you, what have you tried or might like to try?

 

 

 

 

Cleanup in Aisle 3 – Subtitled Manic in Costco

My pharmacy is Costco.  It’s good because the filling fees are cheap.  It’s bad because well Costco.

If you ever wanted to really know what Bipolar Mania feels like I urge you to really take it all in the next time you go to Costco. In a half hours time your impulses are challenged like never before.  “Why yes I need a 7l jar of green olives and a blow up raft with oars only 29.99. Do I need 250 AA batteries well that’s a silly question. Do I buy 1 24 pack of puma socks or 2?”

The lights are brighter than bright the sounds are intense.  Somebody is screaming, another is crying, carts are bumping into you like the last time you went to a dark and dodgy dance club. And to top it all off there’s food to sample.  For free.

I get to experience this magic a few times per month all for the low prescription filling fee of $2.00.

Jokes aside, when I’m in a manic place, Costco is a challenging place to be. It’s loud and extremely stimulating.  Nobody is happy, everyone is in a rush and not a single person can go anywhere quickly.  Once I did load up my cart with an inflatable raft, an area rug, a package of steaks, yoga pants, batteries and a 3 pack of raisin bread. I wandered around with my cart full of impulse purchases and with tears streaming down my face I put it all back away. Every.single.item.

It was a huge win.

 

 

 

Because it’s Impossible to Not Feel Joy when You Eat Popcorn!

When I started this post my intention was to recount a heart felt reflection of this time a year ago. To give insight to the haunting feelings that I was struggling with.

But I’ve changed my mind.

I don’t want to focus on that. I don’t want to get stuck there. In that darkness. I’d rather share the small everyday things that have been bringing me joy and some of the lessons that have gone along with it.

My Family:
It goes without saying my kids. They are affectionate, strong willed, stubborn and funny. I’m excited for the world of possibilities that lay ahead for them.  But family is also my extended family. My parents, siblings, nieces, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparent(s). I’ve come to understand that the expectations I’ve placed on family aren’t always realistic and I need to love and value them for who they are.

 

Friends that are Family:

I use to think that to be truly loved you measured this by a great number of people surrounding you. I’ve since learned the difference between friends that are family, friends that are for fun, family that are friends, friends that are circumstantial and friends that are acquaintances. All have their place and some people start as one, change or blur the lines.

I have developed a network of people that fiercely love me for me. As I love them. We check in when we know we are struggling, include in family moments, parent one anothers children, have fun self-care days, send each other funny memes or inspirational quotes. We laugh – we laugh a lot. We act silly, sometimes inappropriately.

We love each other fiercely.

Oh and a nice side effect to losing friendships – the space it’s opened for new ones ❤

Recently a friend brought me her leftover popcorn because she knew how much I loved it. I ate it my bed with the biggest smile on my face!

Food is NOT the Enemy:

Okay I’ll admit this is one I still struggle with.  All.the.time.

But I’m getting better.

Food is feeding your body. Food is treating yourself. Food is time spent with friends and family. Food is celebration. Food is not something to restrict and then binge on. It’s not out to get me.

So I’m reclaiming it. I try new recipes. I say yes when friends invite me for Nachos, I drink the champagne and I have ice cream and coffee for lunch (like I just did now).

Scout Fluffy:

I was not prepared for how much I would love this dog.

I knew I would appreciate the companionship. The opportunity to walk more. The running buddy (which training starts soon for her). I knew it would be a lot of work to train a puppy – it is.  I knew it would be expensive.  But I did not know that she could fill my heart with as much happiness as she does.

 

Myself:

“I’m bent, but I’m not broken
I’m stronger than I feel
I’m made of flesh and bone
Not made of steel” – Miranda Lambert

“I paint my lips red, I turn my own head
Don’t need nobody’s help, zipping up my own dress
Pay my own tab, with my own cash, unattached” -Lady Antebellum

I’ve learned to love my time alone.  I turn the music loud, I dance, I clean. I get my nails done and buy myself pretty things.

I decorate my skin with meaningful tattoos that tell my story.

I meditate. Often. I journal and colour.  I appreciate nature and look for small simple signs.

I walk down the stairs each morning and I smile because the beauty that surrounds me is mine.

Quote-about-enjoying-the-show-quote-about-popcorn

The Real Secret to Joy is Finding Your Own Version of Eating Popcorn in Bed:

Also known as do what makes you happy, unapologetically.

Year End Reflection

I always say I’m not one for resolutions. But that’s not totally true. I prefer reflection. Looking back at the ups and downs that actually make life beautiful. I like to choose a goal for the new year coming up. In the past it’s been weight loss, finance, organizing, trying a new activity. But this year I want a more universal concept.

Self-Reflection.  That’s my 2019 goal.

I want to continually remind myself to look back and be proud of the challenges I’ve overcome and the successes I’ve had. I also want to pause and enjoy and live in the moment. I want to be less connected to my social media (yikes yes I just said that) and more connected to my family, friends, the natural environment so that means documenting less with photos and stories and not reviewing the content others post as much. This will be a challenge as it’s become a bit of an addiction and I run a small social media business, but a challenge doesn’t mean I can’t it just means I need to set limits and be creative.  I want to continue to have less things and more moments. I want to keep learning to manage my finances so I can finally travel. I want to run not for a speed or distance goal, not to be thin but because it’s the one activity that truly makes my heart joyful.

Last year the kids and decided to collect memories throughout the year. We placed them into a jar. We were not always consistent.  Sometimes we wrote a lot, sometimes a little. We haven’t opened them up yet because shared parenting means sometimes you can’t do the things you want to on the exact day. But I’m excited to go through them and reflect on all of the things that did together. This is a tradition we will definitely continue.

Another reflection tradition is one with my amazing friend @sariendipity  We create vision boards and I love this activity because I keep it in my room and it’s a daily reminder of what is important to me.

Anyway I’m excited for the ups and downs 2019 will bring. I hesitate to say it will be the best year ever, or that it’s going to be great because I can’t actually predict what happens. But I can appreciate the good moments, and handle the tricky ones as best as I can.

I want to end this with a Year End Reflection I found on google.  A head’s up this might be triggering and upsetting if you’ve experienced trauma and/or suicide/self-harm.

YEAR END REFLECTION:

5 HIGHLIGHTS (accomplishments, best memories)

-Being interviewed for 2 podcasts. One has just been realized, Slay the Mic Podcast  and the other one is coming soon and speaking at Healed Hearts, Empowered Spirits

-Getting our dog Scout. She has been a joy and a very welcome addition to our family.

-Wasaga Beach mini-cation with my two besties and our kids. So many laughs and memories!

-Returning to work and killing it!  I’ve found my passion for the classroom again and my confidence has returned.

-My 40th Birthday. I was surrounded by so much love and that feeling is still with me.

5 DISAPPOINTMENTS (failures, missed opportunities)

-Running. It hasn’t gone well and I just couldn’t get it together in 2018. I’m hoping to change it.

-Dating. That is all.

-Finances. The turn around hasn’t been easy and this will certainly be something I continue to work on.

-Over dosing internationally on my medication with the intention to self-harm.

3 GAME CHANGERS (unexpected events that shifted your priorities)

-Being hospitalized and spending time in the acute psychiatric unit. It was humbling, hard but also a massive game changer. Here I was given a proper diagnosis, and it started the learning journey about my illness (bipolar disorder) and armed with the tools needed to manage it successfully.

-Starting this blog.

-Sharing my story unapologetically.

3 THINGS YOU FOCUSED ON (what you put the most of your time into)

*this one is easy

-My mental health. Getting the correct diagnosis (Bipolar Disorder), learning about it and how it has really shaped most of my life and appropriate treatment to manage it.

-Living life authentically. It’s meant having hard conversation. Ending relationships that didn’t have a positive impact on my life, and being honest with myself and others about what I need, even if it’s not always favourable.

-Self care, self care and more self care.

3 THINGS YOU FORGOT (What you didn’t get around too)

-Following my plan for checking the mail and answering voice mail. This is still a huge task avoidance.

-My financial diet. I’ve created a plan but I only follow it loosely.

-Focusing and fixing on my disordered eating. I’ve pretended that I’m better by hiding what I’m doing but I’m still resorting to extreme reduced calorie diets. protein shakes and fasting, and binging when I’m emotionally taxed.

I am excited for this year. When I compare it to the dark inner struggles that I was managing exactly one year ago this place feels good.

Happy 2019!

 

 

Jenga. The Great Relationship Metaphor

There are a lot of great metaphors for life and life balance but when I think about my own personal experience, especially when it comes to love and relationships the idea of a jenga tower comes to mind. First it starts out pretty solid as you build it up piece by piece starting with a stable foundation. You want to make sure those bottom pieces are aligned just the way they should be.  You carefully place the blocks one at a time following the set pattern. Going rogue or off book will inevitably lead to a quick crash. Once you’ve finally built your tower it looks perfect, strong, stable and you have it made! Like nothing is going to take it down. But as you play the game, remove pieces and stack them back on you’re changing the game. Adding instability, danger, challenge. It’s a rush until one moves makes it all come crashing down. You instantly regret the choice but the damage is done. The tower is splayed out on the table pieces everywhere. When this happens, there’s two kinds of people. The ones who build it back up again without a thought and the ones that put it away and save it for when their head is back in it.

Which type of person is right? I guess it depends on their motivation.  Are the rebuilders building it back up because they are resilient and willing to jump back in and correct what might have gone wrong the first time? Or are they blindly building doomed to make the same errors again?  What about those who promptly put it away? Are they throwing in the towel too soon avoiding the chaos and the mess from happening again? Or are they taking the time to process, think of their game plan carefully before returning to it?

Which type of person am I?  Both and neither really. I’ve played a dangerous game when it comes to relationships. I’ve added instability, danger, challenge. I’ve shown resiliency, and tried to correct mistakes and fix what went wrong. I’ve jumped in without thinking of the consequences and impact. I’ve avoided chaos and mess but I’ve also given myself space, time to reflect, to process and return.  The problem is once I return I find myself still feeling unstable like I can’t trust that the whole thing isn’t going to crumble yet again. So I push and back away. The rest of this post is a pretty explicit account of my past relationships. It could be triggering or disappointing so this is a good place to stop if you worry about that.

For being almost 40, I haven’t actually had many relationships to base my experiences on. I started dating quite young and pretty much jumped into longer term “serious” relationships. It was a critical time when I should have focused on discovering myself and findinging what brought me happiness but instead I felt like happiness was related to a sense of pleasing someone else. It was tied to not being alone and feeling like I was part of a larger community. This would remain a constant theme throughout all of my young adult and adult years.

My first longer relationship was pretty standard in terms of a young teenage relationship. He drove, was interested in things I wasn’t but I gave up my interests for his. His family was lovely and they included me in family dinners and activities. He was also the first person I was sexually active with. I don’t want to paint the wrong impression that I was forced because it wasn’t like that. But we weren’t taught about consent and what that meant. He never asked me if I wanted to and I never said that I didn’t. I don’t actually know what the outcome would have been if we had that discussion but it makes me a little sad to know that it didn’t necessarily have to go the way it did. It did because we were uneducated that there could be another way.

Him and I broke up but not before I “cheated” on him at a party with another male that I sort of knew. I use to say it just happened but experience has taught me that things never just happen. When you partner alcohol (especially underage), low self esteem and little understanding of self this can easily happen. But even then I was already engaging in self-destructive behaviour and I wanted out of a relationship I felt stuck in so this seemed like the perfect way to make it happen. Even then the signs of emotional dysregulation and bipolar disorder were evident. I would later on return to this exact situation for the exact same reasons.

My now ex-husband and I started dating approximately 2 weeks after this relationship ended. We both jumped in with strong intensity. It was a few months before our 18th birthdays and it was a pretty serious “adult” like relationship. I was still a confused, lost young girl with no sense of self, dealing with mental health issues I had no idea were issues.

A year later we were making living arrangements because we had decided to go to the same university. At the time it was exactly what I wanted. Again his family was lovely and included me. I felt a sense of community and the loneliness had ceased. I was building a strong, secure, stable base for the life that I thought I really wanted. But I was still a child, we both were and we didn’t give ourselves space to grow into the adults we weren’t meant to be. We had personal issues neither one of understood in ourselves or each other. Mine were extreme emotional highs and lows and his were anger. The combination together was catastrophic. We kept building the tower because the dream was more important than the underlying issues. He doesn’t like me talking about him on here. He’s asked me not to and I’m torn between wanting to respect his wishes – as he is the co-parent of my children-  and wanting to tell my story. He tells me he’s dealt with the things that have happened between us and moved on. I feel like he hasn’t. That he is embarrassed by it and isn’t ready to own it, to be accountable for it and say this is what I am doing to repair harm. I’m also a little envious because if he has actually moved on than what is wrong with me that I’m still so haunted by the things that transpired?

When the tower fell, it fell hard!  My ex husband didn’t know (he does now) but I was having an affair and i’ve talked about this before on my blog. I don’t even pretend that it “just happened” because again experience has taught me that nothing just happens. This “relationship” was was with someone I was friends with. He was one half a couple friend. The four of us were close but hindsight shows me that we didn’t actually know each other well, just versions of what we wanted one another to be. I knew the affair was wrong, I can tell you that the communication between us very early on hinted at being inappropriate. A little too flirty, a little too often. I can tell you the exact moment when the interaction definitely crossed the line. It was April. I was out with girlfriends for an overnight trip in Toronto and I posted a photo on my social media where I was wearing red lipstick and felt pretty. A feeling that I didn’t often have about myself. I didn’t exactly know where things would go between us but I did know I was willing to completely let it go wherever it was going to. It was also an adrenaline rush which now I understand was tied to bipolar mania.  Again he gave sense strong sense of community. His family was lovely, they included me in activities. We had mutual friends and I felt like those friendship were my whole world. His attention made me feel like I was loved and belonged. But it was still linked to my low self esteem, little understanding of self and mental health issues I didn’t see. I also think it is important to mention that I would tell this person imaginative stories about illicit, sexual relationships I had engaged in with others. But imaginative was the key. They didn’t happen but I realized he wanted me to be the kind of person who did. So again I sacrificed my interests for his.

My tower blew up. It didn’t just collapse but it scattered into thousands of pieces like the small glass cubes when a window shatters. While on vacation with our friends and our respective families my ex would walk into a sexualy compromising situation on the beach between myself and our friends. This collapsed his tower too and his anger response took over and he hit me in the face and when I got out of the ocean he continued and I hit him back this likely caused me to break my hand. I remember falling to the ground hard asking for help and watching the person I thought cared a lot for me walk away with his partner. Once again in that moment I felt very a strong wave of loneliness and I wished the ocean could have swallowed me up to release me from that feeling.

I wish I could say the affair ended at this moment but it didn’t. It would continue for another year or so. It was definitely an imbalance of power and while it didn’t cause my mental health struggles or eventual breakdown it was certainly one of the key pieces.

I use to think that in all of these relationships I lost myself. But the truth is I never actually knew who I was. I was able to shape myself and become who the people I was around needed me to be. That was all.

I’ve been doing a lot of work to build my tower back up again. The process is slow and it certainly isn’t linear. I may build a few pieces, knock some or all down. I repeat the process and learn why it didn’t work that time. I’m learning a lot about myself, my challenges but also my strengths. I have a strong sense of empathy. I see things from all angles and shades. I have a gift for creativity and making my space functional but beautiful. I have a strong motherhood instinct and I’ve created a loving, supportive home for my children. I advocate for their needs and I’ve become confident in the parenting decisions I make. I have a talent for baking and cooking and it’s been trial and error with a lot of of error but that makes me want to do it even more. I have a gift for writing and I’m not afraid to share my story even if it makes people uncomfortable. I say “I refuse to stay quiet so you can stay comfortable.” I’m an advocate for mental health and social justice and I have no space in my life for bigoted and close minded thinking. I’m creating a life that is authentic and at the moment I don’t want surface friendships. There’s a time and a place for that but right now isn’t the time for me.

All of this does have an impact on what it means for me moving forward with a new relationship. I’ve tried dating on and off again and it goes the same way. I sign up or start. I have some interesting interactions  and some pleasant.  The pleasant ones make me the most uncomfortable so I push back and abandon them. I’m not sure I’m in a place where I can trust that someone isn’t going to inevitably hurt me. Or I’m not going to shape myself into someone I think they want me to be. How do I bring up my past struggles and my mental health. I’ve tried immediately bringing it up but then I’m left feeling too vulnerable. I’ve tried not saying anything but then I feel the weight of a crushing secret. So I don’t actually have an answer at this time. But maybe that’s ok too.

 

 

 

Dating at 40

Dating as a 40 year old is fun.

Said no one ever.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve collected some really interesting stories. At first I thought were shocking but now I realize are actually incredibly predictable.

My experiences with dating have mostly been in the online realm and people I know like to remind me “this is how you meet people these days.”

Sure.

I don’t like it.

I’ve tried a variety of sites. Tinder when it’s a Friday night and I’m bored or with girlfriends and we want to laugh. I’ve paid the money on eharmony, match.com, elite singles. And for the most part it’s all the same typical scenario.  Which can I just point out why would  someone pay the money and then act like a douche canoe? Cheaper than a lap dance at a strip club perhaps?

Here’s a synopsis of my favourite experiences:

The yes I’m super interested in meeting up with you let’s plan something but I’m never actually going to follow through and I’m just going to ghost you. one. (okay ghosting is probably a little premature but you get what I mean.)

The hour before our meet up I’m going to send you a text to tell you to “wear something sexy like a sundress that shows off your body.” (I responded with a polite I’ve changed my mind good luck in your search.)

The we had two really fun, seemingly healthy dates that turned into “let’s go to this sex club in Toronto.” (I may have went).

The I’m going to just spend the evening complaining about my ex partner and the amount of child support I have to pay. (I don’t care about the history between you – you pay her that support to take care of YOUR children and you do not complain).

The let me find a pic with my build… one sec and then BAM naked pic (I did not reciprocate but replied with a “no because I’m really a 55 year old drag queen named Bob”, and no hate on Bob the Drag Queen who I actually adore and think is brilliant.)

This is why I’ve jumped into dating with both feet and immediately jumped right back out because the water is frigid and uncomfortable.

I’m not a prude.  I’m a lot of fun, I’m a professional, and Bipolar Disorder aside, I’ve actually got my shit together. I’m funny and fierce and loyal. But maybe the universe is telling me it’s not my time yet.

So excuse me while I go get my favourite drink from Starbucks and wander along the aisles at Indigo secretly waiting to bump into someone with like minded values so I can leave all the very typical, highly predictable online dating profiles behind.

Oh yeah and I’ve added to my current dating profile, “don’t send me naked pics or i’m going to write about it on my blog.”

Legit!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Big Declutter

I started last night cleaning out the basement. I have boxes of papers, books, photos of random things from university still. I have Christmas ornaments and decor that filled a 3600 sqft home and now my new home is 1400sqft. My decor taste have changed too and I seek a simple less cluttered style.

My mind is less cluttered so I want my space to reflect this as well.

The other thing. I have things squirrelled away that I wasn’t able to face until now.

Like my wedding photo albums. I took out a few photos for the kids and a nice one of my parents and my sister and brother. And then I threw out the rest. The entire thing fucking thing.

It was symbolically freeing.

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